How can we possibly run out of money for Social Security, but never run out of money for Food Stamps?
Overheard at the bicycle shop in 1960:
Customer: "How much are the helmets?"
Overheard before AIDS: "Damn, but that monkey looks hot!"
Who was the dreamer who decided to perforate toilet paper every six inches?
What happens to the inch worm if we go metric?
If exercise worked, people who chew gum would have skinny faces.
Your kid's jokes are stupid.
If I go for a walk, is there a dog to pick up after me?
Never trust a 40+ year old man without a limp.
At what point do collectors become hoarders?
Roadies: Is anyone able to think of something other than, "One, two; testing. One, two?"
People drive into buses. Motorcyclists stop bitching; take responsibility for your own safety.
It's called a hardwood floor for a reason.
Who thinks it's a loving idea to be in the delivery room? Watching someone put on a turtleneck sweater is ruined for me now.
You're not paranoid; you ARE being followed.
It's not a good idea to translate "In a pig's eye!" into the language of any foreign country you might be visiting.
Has a referee ever swallowed a whistle?
It's easier to fool people than it is to convince them that they've been fooled.
If they change the Red Skins' name, will they still be able to scalp tickets?
How long have men been waiting for the final season of "How I Met Your Mother!"